Submission Sucks

This is going to be one of those blog posts in which I am extremely honest... again. You've been warned.

I want to follow God whole heartedly. I want to spread His fame all over the world. I want people to know what God has for them and what Jesus did for them. I want for there to be a well-spring of life flowing from within my heart and flooding my life so that others may see the Lord I serve.

I want all of these things, but still I don't trust in God all the way. I mean, I do trust Him. And I do live for Him more than a lot of people in this world. But thats not what He asks of me. I have to give all of myself in order to truly love and trust Him. James chapter 4 says that "if I draw close to God, He will draw close to me." I know this to be true. When I read the word and pray/talk to Him, He does amazing things. And when I don't do these things my life suffers.

See, right now, I put up a pretty large front. I appear to be happy to most people. But on the inside I am a total wreck. I can go from "happy" to angry/sad/down/shut down mode in a matter of seconds over the dumbest things. It has began to effect a friendship and has gone farther than it should. Sometimes, I just write it off as something that happens from time to time. But its become so frequent that I often fear that it is depression.

But here is the thing. I know what the problem is. I don't try to draw closer to God a lot of the time. I don't feast on the flesh of Jesus, nor do I ask the Father for wisdom, knowledge, or even an appetite for the word. all of these things I should do yet I do not. Isn't that silly? Foolish? ABSURD?!

I think it is.

So if you are reading this and have any sort of advice (other than read the word and pray) please share...